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abrasion
Friday, March 28, 2008 at 7:36 AM

an old wound
that never seems to heal
of broken skin
scraped thin
stinging to remind you
it's real.

you blame the ruts
that made you fall down.
you blame the gravel
that lies on the ground.
you blame the atmosphere
that ruins your health
you blame everyone
but yourself.

but that battle scar
that hangs like a ghost
and you realize-
what you let in
under the skin;
that's what hurts
the most.

End.


SSABSA 1996 Section B
Saturday, March 22, 2008 at 6:59 AM

Choose one question and write a response of approximately 250 words. Your response must be one of the following: a description, a letter, a narrative or a personal reflective piece.

"The suitcase is old. I can't tell what colour it was originally because the pattern on the side had faded so much. As a child, I often sneaked out to the shed and touched the suitcase, ran my fingers along its bumpy skin, feeling for its secrets."

"Daddy"

Turbulent. Perhaps that's a word that best describes what you feel when your seemingly buried past resurfaces and throws itself into your face. You feel like something's rushing, spinning, bursting inside you but you have to keep it all in and gulp it down with your coffee.

Sitting here in this smoky café downing my third espresso, a pang of something - is it guilt? - hits me. Somehow, I never quite escaped, or forgot the silent agony of separation.

My thoughts revert to the time I abandoned the one I loved. My Mandy.

~~~

"Daddy! Daddy! What have you brought me?"

"Shh..." I mutter, trying to keep my temper from showing. "Jamie, how many times have I told you not to let her call me that?"

"She just doesn't understand, Rick." Twenty-nine-year-old Jamie lets me in to her apartment and closes the door, latching it delicately. She looks fragile and tired.

"Why can't I call you Daddy?" The eyes of the little girl are hazel and sad. I pick her up and place her gently on the sofa bed.

"Because you'll get me into trouble, alright?"

"Daddy, what's in the bag?"

"Mandy, don't call me... ah, never mind." I place the suitcase on the floor. "Just work in here."

"No teddy bear for me? Or chocolate?" Mandy reaches for the suitcase, her soft fingers brushing against my coarse knuckles.

"No. Jamie, take this money. I have to leave."

Jamie takes the wad of notes without a word, the same cold expression painted upon her face with a sliver of a smile.

As I walk down the corridor, suitcase in hand, my heart cringes at the cries of a little girl, coming from behind the apartment door.

~~~

"Yeah, bye Keith... See you later." A young couple kiss outside the window, then the female makes her way into the café. Her dark locks bounce as she takes graceful dance-steps around the tables. I can't help but notice the familiarity of that smile, and my heart skips a beat or two.

"Mr Kellis?"

She's found me.

"You..." I stutter, "...you must be... Mandy."

"I see you remember."

She sits down opposite me, a smile still on her face. God, she's beautiful. All grown up now, but not one bit like her mother...

"I'm glad you could make it, Mr Kellis. Where do you stay?"

"Uh... me? I stay along Days Road, a house."

"Oh, those gorgeous town houses? I simply adore the design! Keith was planning on buying one of those when... hm, is anything the matter?"

"No, nothing." I say, failing to hide the awkwardness. "No. How's your mother?"

"Passed away, lung cancer. Always told her that smoking habit would send her to her deathbed. Ah, no matter - why are we talking about depressing things? How are you?"

"Well, as you can see, I am fine. Have a good job, car - enough to satifsy." Yet, I wonder why I feel so empty.

"Speaking of cars, your old suitcase's in the back seat of my Honda outside."

My eyes widen with surprise.

"It's still... intact?"

"I kept it that way. Mom and I moved to a house in the country, and I hid it in the shed. T'was the only thing I had in rememberence of you. You can have it back now. Hm, waiter - give me a café latté, thanks."

"Have it back? Whatever for?"

"Because I have the real you now, so it doesn't mean a thing anymore."

"Mandy..."

"No, I'm serious. Please, Mr Kellis. Please let me fulfil this longing inside my heart."

As it has been mine. To know the daughter I was forced to hide. And finally, I can embrace it yet fear encompasses me, and I'm not sure why.

The café latté arrives and she sips it. So childlike, she is, yet so elegant as well.

"Mr Kellis, I'm twenty two now. I probably haven't seen you for seventeen years. I know I caught glimpses of you, running in and out of our flat but it's all a blur. I just want to know."

"Want to know...?"

"Why I couldn't call you Daddy. Mom never told me, never talked about it I was legitimate, wasn't I?"

"I..." A moment of truth. I put down my empty cup. "Oh, Mandy. You were legitimate. Your mother and I married and it was just such a big mistake, I mean... Mandy, her parents hated me and mine were just unable to let go of me. Never wanted me to marry - I never told them. And then there was you and things just got complicated."

"The situation doesn't sound that complicated." Her gentle lips frown. "You were afraid."

"I was."

"I can't believe you. There was no other woman, no secret half brother, no mystery of the suitcase? Nothing?"

"I'm sorry, Mandy."

"You know what, it's alright. That's fine." She places the half-empty cup on the table and stands up. "I'm glad I came, and I'm glad I know. So perhaps, if you would excuse me..."

"Please don't go, Mandy."

"I told you the same thing year in year out, but you never listened. Why should I?" There is more to her than just hostility - there is hurt.

"Because I was a fool. And you're not."

She looks back at me almost lamely, then strides confidently away.

That's it, then. The end. My heart is crushed like the Arabica coffee beans. But I see that brown-haired figure of a girl come back through the door, carrying a suitcase.

"No more reason to remember me?" I ask her as she arrives at the table.

"Au contraire." She places the suitcase on the right of my chair and smiles ever so sweet a smile. "Inside it. Letters, photos, everything that I've ever done for you. I'm going to give it to you now and let you dwell upon it in your old age."

"Mandy... Please don't do this."

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't."

"I love you, Mandy. Let me make it up to you."

"All that lost time, broken promises..."

But her words are muffled by my old, greying embrace. I hug her and hold her the way I should have, when she gazed up at me with those hazel eyes and said "Daddy! Daddy!". Finally, this dream is somewhere close to being realized. My very ghost seems to soar free, like a genie released from its lamp.

And I realize, she isn't fighting. Her wet tears, right now, are my only source of hope.

End.


excitement
at 3:35 AM

the next step. monday. can't wait.



thursday: went out with li ching & manda. had a nice chit chat. my gosh, michelangelo's is nice. i love italian food. craving. arrgh.

friday: went shopping on friday to grab a few bargains. wahaha. guess i won't be so free, soon. happy birthday julia!
group photos from intensive:

ninjutsu is good. i might repost the uchi deshi pics cos i sorta miss it.

closing remark - notice how Jesus was crucified on Friday and He rose on Sunday (the first day)? and the fourth commandment is "remember the Sabbath - keep it holy" meaning not to do work on the Sabbath. and on Saturday He rested. soooo... [if you don't get my gist, it's okay. just another piece of evidence]

End.


song #2 on lianne's "for peter" album
Wednesday, March 19, 2008 at 7:56 PM

raindrops are falling on my head
but they feel like candy drops instead
since you've been here, everything's changed
every sky is baby blue
every star shines like you
bright in the sky they've been arranged

what will i do when the world comes to an end
sleeping with you, i will rise to be your friend
what will i do when there's nothing left to do
or to say, hey...
i'll give you the best of me anyway

never had rainbows in my car
or angels strumming my guitar
since the moment you arrived
never had love served on a tray
swirling thoughts in disarray
wanting you in my life

what will i do when the water gets too deep
praying with you, til we finally fall asleep
what will i do when there's nothing left to do
or to say, hey...
i'll give you the best of me anyway


what will i do when the road disappears
staying with you til God is finally here
what will i do when there's nothing left to do
or to say, hey...
i'll give you the best of me anyway


the field is moist with morning dew
this is the reason i love you
the way you make me so aware
i'd pick out the coldest darkest night
but thinking of you can make it light
we could go anywhere

what will i do when the world comes to an end
sleeping with you, i will rise to be your friend
what will i do when there's nothing left to do
or to say, hey...
i'll give you the best of me anyway


what will i do when it's time for us to part
we will stay true til we get a brand new start
what will i do when there's nothing left to do
or to say, hey...
i'll give you the best of me anyway

hey...
i'll give you the best of me anyway

[comment pleaseeee. <3]

End.


Individuals & Families in a Diverse Society
at 10:38 AM

Chapter One
Suggest what family life might have been like in one of the historical periods summarized in this chapter. Write a critique of family life from the point of view of a young adult during that time and of the opposite gender from you.


Lianne-style answer (based on the Hunter-Gatherer lifestyle):

It has come to the end of a day; probably the only time I can get to rest my weary feet and aching body. Chasing after those ugly grunting creatures in the forest all day can be taxing. They move faster than I'd expect them to. But then again, if I don't hunt, how would I contribute to my family?

I sit under a tree, sipping from a pitcher plant, and thinking about my home. Despite having run through the "go-out-and-hunt-for-a-week-or-more" routine several times, it isn't as pleasant as some people think. The female with the mole on the right of her face told me before that she envied us men who get to go out on long expeditions to explore the beautiful jungle. But she doesn't realize that there is a lot more to it than going around stabbing the grunting creatures, or even the growling ones.

I know I envy her at least - they can bring home the things that don't move, like berries and nuts and greenies. Ironically, I don't even eat those things - to be a man, I have to eat like a man and men eat only meat. Anyway I digress... Fine, so once in a while they get those long-eared creatures or the feathery things that can flap about. Frankly, I think they get it easy - I don't so much like hunting. It's strenuous and I can't watch the kids as they grow up. Every time you look at them they seem bigger or more numerous...

Also, those females just rely on us to play handyman all the time - I think my biggest complaint comes from here. I toil all day long to make a sharp dagger and they break it while hammering herbs. Take the cake! All that strength and effort down the drain.

Ironically, they get the recognition and respect just because they can come up with the children. I'm not sure why I can't have any.. have tried time after time but it only seems to be them that get the kids. Maybe I'm cursed. And what's so funny is, since our family consists of 10 males and 13 females, we just divide the kids between us and feed whoever. I don't know - frankly I don't agree with the system.

It's also because I actually would like to find out more about the female with the mole on the right of her face. Somehow, it feels wrong to share her - there's just something in her that makes me feel like going home, back to the family. When I go back, I'll bring a growling creature (dead, of course) back for her and her offspring only. Maybe she would think about it, consider just bearing my offspring. Oh, the thought of it... just her, and me...

All that I can think of, and I can take action upon, but only when I catch the grunting creature and find my way back to my family...

End.


cable.
Sunday, March 16, 2008 at 5:59 PM

hi everyone. life has been wild & ever changing.

ninjutsu intensive ppl, i am SOOOOO sorry - my dad took my camera cable to Jakarta. will upload and send to you ASAP - he's coming home tomorrow night so once it's back here.

intensive was so fun. didn't get as many bruises as i usually get (which proves i'm improving) and... 5th kyu!!! that was my long term goal for 2008 man! now i have no goal. LOL. of course, pete is 4th... but sensei promoted him a day later (in a sense) so i was the same rank with him for like 24 hours! (omg i am just so pathetically lame >.<)

on an ending note, i realize that the song "tattoo" (which i sand for orientation nite) defines my situation now:

no matter what you say about love (replace love with the context of education)
i keep coming back for more

keep my hand in the fire
sooner or later
i get what i'm asking for

no matter what you say about life (replace life with the context of education)
i learn every time i bleed
that truth is a stranger
my soul is danger
i gotta let my spirit be free

to admit that i'm wrong
n then change my mind
sorry but i have to move on
n leave u behind

i can't waste time so give it a moment
i realize, nothing's broken
no need to worry 'bout everything i've done
live every second like it was my last one
don't look back at a new direction
i loved u once, needed protection
u're still a part of everything i do
u're on my heart just like a tattoo

just like a tattoo, i'll always have u
i'll always have u

don't misinterpret. this is targeted at the education not the people.

take care you guys.

End.